Top 3 Scariest Moments from the NICU to Now

Child-rearing is supposed to be magical. And to a large degree, it is. The celebration of firsts, the joyous smiles and laughter, and the curiosity and wonderment in a child’s eyes make even the scariest moments and difficulties of childbirth disappear like they never even happened.

But there’s bound to be some scary moments along the way. For most, it’s a bump on the head or that one high fever you can’t control. You can feel it in the moments that you hold your breath to check for the rise and fall of their chest while sleeping a little too soundly. Fear.

We’ve experienced so much joy and magic, but there were plenty of scary moments too. With each one, I thought, “That’s gotta fill the quota,” because we’ve had enough fright to last a lifetime.

Top 3 So Far

So here are the scariest moments that I’ve experienced as Cole’s Momma. In no particular order as I’m certain they’ve all taken an equal number of years off my life!

1. Forty-Two Seconds. Cole impatiently pushed his way into the world 3 months early. And then time stopped. Because he was younger than 28 weeks we were part of a medical study where they delayed clamping the cord for 30 seconds to allow additional blood to pass to him. I watched as they worked on my child for 12 additional seconds before he finally took his first breath and I heard that tiny little cry. My own amazing Momma (who never left my side) then said, “Chelsey! Breathe! He’s okay, he’s breathing and crying, now you breathe!” And that’s when I realized I’d been holding my breath – waiting for 42 seconds to hear Cole’s cry. Paralyzed from fear. I finally exhaled and watched as they wheeled him to the NICU. It would be several days before I’d get to hold him to my chest and do all the things new moms do. But he was breathing and so was I. I was worried about what would come next but for now, that had to be enough.
2. Outgrowing His Blood. At 3 weeks old, out of nowhere, he couldn’t maintain oxygen levels and his heart rate kept dropping dangerously low. It was weird because he’d been doing so well for days before. I spoke to nurse after nurse who dismissed me until he had a bad episode in front of us while his Daddy was there. Seeing Ro’s fear was my last straw and I hollered I wanted somebody higher up to find out what was wrong with my baby. The charge nurse came, calmed me down, and assured me she’d get the doctor to run some tests. And Mom was right – Cole was growing so fast that his red blood cell volume couldn’t keep up. He needed a transfusion. It took 3 of the longest hours ever and it was 4 more before I could see him again. I sat next to his isolette for 2 hours and watched his steady heart rate. This one was scary but taught me the most. I now knew that I was Cole’s biggest advocate and I’d never back down again when it came to his care. 8 years later I’m still standing firm.
3. January 5th, 2023. Cole didn’t take his first unassisted steps until after his 3rd Birthday. I went from fearing he never would to knowing my child could do the impossible. We had years of Physical Therapy, splints, surgeries, casts, and more to help him move successfully. And things were going well. But a year ago I woke him up to get dressed for school and he couldn’t stand. It’s hard to describe but he could barely move let alone walk. Panic. Fear. Worry. All the things raced through me. After 14 hours and one hospital transfer in an ambulance later, we found that Cole had Flu A and Strep, but the Strep hadn’t followed normal directions. It had instead attacked his spine & joints. We spent 6 days in the hospital when Cole finally started to take small steps again. But that one sickness had undone all the work we’d put in so far. He slowly recovered and we began PT, splints, and new procedures once again.

Moving On

There are more, so many more. But these are the big ones – the ones that still keep me up at night sometimes. I close my eyes and suddenly I’m right back to the moments. Sometimes I can even smell the sanitizer from the NICU or hear a beeping alarm clock that sounds so much like a heart rate monitor. I try hard to immediately focus on the outcomes, the good parts, and the remarkable progress we’ve made to get to where we are today. But occasionally those moments creep back in.

Anxiety, fear, and worrying about what-ifs are bound to happen sometimes. If you have any tips or tricks to help with these feelings, comment them down below. Let’s talk about what some of your scariest moments raising children have been, and what works to dispel some of this fearfulness.

If you’re new here, be sure to check out my previous post to get to know Cole and me a little better! And as always, remember to give yourself some grace today because you’re doing an amazing job.